Society can be hard for men who have depression and anxiety. I am a man who has both as well as borderline personality disorder. As a young boy we are taught to hold back feelings and emotions. We learned that men should be strong. As a young boy, I had a hard time expressing my feelings. I had a hard time talking to my family about my feelings and emotions. To this day, I still have a hard time expressing them.
Having all three disorders has been a real struggle for me as an adult. With my depression, it has been an extreme difficulty. It's like climbing a mountain for me. I have been at rock bottom and have had to climb my way back up the mountain to feel happy and safe again. Along the way there have been many falls climbing that mountain. I have fallen so many times that I am afraid that I will never make it to the top. Sometimes I have made it halfway up the mountain like there is a cave for me to stop and rest. That cave has been a safety net for me.
I have been sitting in that cave for a very long time because I am scared to try anything new. If I try to continue to climb, I feel like I will end up back at rock bottom. That is why I have been staying in my cave for so long. I feel like if I try, I will fail and end up rock bottom. Then I will have to start all over again and each time I start over, it feels like it is harder to climb again. That is why for the longest time I have stayed in my cave, because I am scared that the next time I fail, I will stay at rock bottom.
Living with depression, anxiety, and borderline has been a real struggle for me as a 33 year old man. I am still learning to share my feelings and emotions in therapy sessions. I try to share them but I have been afraid of what people would think of me. As a man playing sports growing up, I was taught to be tough. Throw some dirt on it and move on. For me, I can't just move on. I tend to dwell on everything and it makes my symptoms worse. Each day has been a fight and I will continue to fight. Most of the time I stay in my cave because it feels safe there, but one day I will venture out and climb the rest of the mountain. Some days I just need some extra help and support. Some days I need someone to throw me a rope so it can help me climb