Because That’s What It Was Really All About.
Over the years I’ve had many suicide attempts and many years thinking passively
about it. Each time I fall back into that familiar empty space I have to find reasons to
keep living... Like in my last entry, life isn’t about a series of snapshots of reasons to live
or die. Life isn’t about being good or bad. In my opinion life is just about those moments
where you just let everything be. Kinda like a dog just vibing on a mountain top, no
concept of time. Just allowing themselves to sit and look at the world around them. I feel
like as humans we get so wrapped up in time, whether we’re running out of it, have too
much of it that we’re wasting, or just worrying about every single second. We let
ourselves get so overly stressed about responsibilities we often forget to let ourselves just
sit and breathe. We forget all of those little reasons on why we keep going. Those little
moments of strength. Those things that give us strength.
We all have different deterrents. Different reasons. Some feel silly or pointless but
at the end of the day if that’s what gets you up then how silly is it really? Down below are
the reasons I get up everyday despite the ease of just rotting in bed.
● My cat Suki- if I died, who would tell her what happened? She wouldn’t
understand. She would be so scared and sad that I never came back. I can’t
do that to her.
● My boyfriend- He’s suffered enough of his own traumas. I can’t add to
● My mom's dog.
● My parents- Even in those moments where I feel like they don’t care I
know that’s not the case.
● My grandfather who practically raised me.- I think given his age if I
un-alived myself he might literally die of heartbreak and grief. Plus I
never want to see that man cry again.
● My secondary family- My dad’s best friend, his wife, and their kids. They
do so much for me.
● My brothers and sister in laws. I'm an aunt now. How f***in' rad is that?
Despite her mom's belief on Halloween this girl is gonna be the spookiest
● My best friend Justin. He’s known me 22 out of my 25 years of life. He’d
● My friends Jeni and Andy.. They are my two friends that act like my
parents and would literally do anything to see me stay alive.
● The haunted house I work at.- I know not only my bosses would be
devastated but also all of the actors that look up to me. All of those dorky
little kids that call me mom, that come to me in times of need even during
the off seasons.. The makeup room that I run... I can’t leave that behind
no matter how stressful it can be sometimes.
● Those moments on warm days where you look up through trees and see
the light breaking through between the leaves.. But you also see all of the
different shades of green in the leaves... I could live in those moments.
● Being underwater in a pool and seeing the light breaking in the water
● Honestly just being underwater in a pool in general. I love the smell of
● Fireworks... in any type of context. On holidays, at games, when kissing
● The butterflies I get from my boyfriend
● Honestly playing video games with beautiful scenery has kept me alive
● I wouldn’t be able to help random people anymore. I love being out and
about and seeing someone I can help with anything.. A team lift, to vent,
help carry groceries for elderly. I love that shit.
● There’s an old woman that still lives on my childhood street and every
winter since a blizzard in 2014 I go to shovel her driveway at least once
every year. She would make sure my brother and I got to our bus stop
every morning even though it was only down our street. She said I always
just looked so small.
● Music... that s***s fire. There's so many different genres.. Like Catfish and The
Bottlemen’s cover of “I Will Never Let You Down” artists like Kishi Bashi, Donna Summers, Woe is me, Ice Nine Kills, Less Than Jake.
Like have you guys ever heard the song The Impression That I Get by The
Mighty Mighty Bosstones? F***ing banger. There is a song or a vibe for
literally any emotion and there is always something new.
● There’s still so much I have yet to learn.
● There’s so many people that still can’t fight for themselves so I have to
stick around to make sure they’re safe.
● My older brother (I have 3 and I only dislike one of them) once told me to
die.. That I would be a junkie and alcoholic like my dad (We have
different dads) so now out of spite I have to prove that f***er wrong.
Trust me guys. I know life can really suck. It does get better. I promise. I
know it’s cliche but sometimes being a little cliche is the most accurate
representation. These are just my daily reasons. I would love to hear your
reasons. What gives you a spark in your life. What are you passionate
about? I know it’s really hard coming up with these lists especially when
you’re lower than rock bottom. Even now though.. I’m at the library...
looking over to my left I can see light beaming through the half covered
windows.. I’m not sure what I believe in as far as Gods and afterlife but I
do believe in energies. It can’t be created or destroyed. Only passed from
one form to another.. I feel like if I force myself to see and acknowledge
all of the beautiful energy around me like this beam of warmth coming into the library then maybe just maybe I can manifest that for myself and put it back out into the world for other people. Because that’s what it’s really all about right? You stick around to see the beauty and those little moments. Those little things.
Thanks for reading if you’re still here.