Diary of Heart As Harry Houdini
I’m not going to lie to you guys, I have absolutely no idea how to write a blog entry. I
honestly don’t even really have the attention span to read them. My therapist heavily and I do mean HEAVILY encouraged me to write one for you guys, however. So, all in all here’s a paper on what it’s been like for me personally to have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Having BPD in general is its own rally of heartache but even more-so when you try to
add and maintain relationships with it. I’m sure if my therapist had a dime for all of the times
I’ve said “He or she is the one I just know it” or “Trust me this time it’s different, it feels
different than last time” She’d probably be a millionaire by now. Honestly, I don’t even know
what the f**k I’m doing writing this and truth be told having BPD really f**king sucks. All of
the times I’ve sat in my room feeling empty and crying all because someone said one phrase in a slightly different tone than normal and it sent me into a valley, all of the rapid mood swings that make you feel like you’re in one of those spinning teacups... especially when you miss your medications. I can’t even count the times when in an attempt to avoid them leaving me, I’ve left first. Always building cases as to why it would never work out like a lawyer on their last defense. Going from being madly in love with someone to literally waking up the next day feeling absolutely nothing for them. I think for me personally romantic relationships are the easiest because at any point in time one of us can just leave and it won’t even really matter. They’re just people. Who cares right? There are 7.9 Billion people on this planet. I couldn’t care less if whomever I'm dating just walks out. Sure it’ll suck and I might be a little mess for a couple days or weeks even but there's always someone new to fall in love with tomorrow. Even if it’s just for a night. Platonic relationships on the other hand, especially relationships with my family are the worst for me. I do genuinely want my family to stick around. I can’t just drop them and move on by tomorrow. But family and friends can only take so many angry outbursts, they can only see you go into rehabs and inpatients so many times. Your friends can only pretend you don’t have a drug problem or eating disorder for so long.
Having BPD I think is similar to being a vegetable a lot of the time. You can see, hear,
and understand what's happening around you but it feels like you have absolutely no control over any of it. All of the impulsive decisions I couldn’t even comprehend until the next morning...
Like “Hey toots, why did you sleep with this person last night?” “Hey love, why did you do coke again? We said we were done with that” ''Hey sugarplum, you don’t have money to be spending so why did we drop $100 at the bar last night?” but I mean hey, anything to not feel anything, am I right? Having BPD is being self-destructive in the most malicious of ways. Doing drugs until you get nosebleeds, still even though you stopped over 3 months ago, turning your head too quickly and feeling like you can smell it so you think about relapsing because you know it’ll help you feel more productive but it’ll enable your eating disorder. All in all that's not what you really want though. It just helps distract you. It hushes that voice in your head that rants and raves about your body dysmorphia, the drug gives you the energy your body could never quite conjure up because of the anemia from your anorexia but on the other hand they just wear you out until your insomnia is no longer an issue and you sleep for 13 hours. It doesn’t actually solve any of those issues. It just makes them easier to ignore until your body finally gives out.
The hardest part about Heart as Harry Houdini is finally waking back up, looking into the
crowd of people that came to see the show, and seeing the pain on all of their faces.
Like I said though tomorrow does come, it does get better. Not every moment in this
documentary is s**t. There are some really beautiful moments that come with it. Through the
impulsivity I’ve gotten to do some amazing things, I’ve gone to concerts, conventions, I’ve met so many beautiful people from it. I guess I did gain some wisdom on how to handle high stress situations through having my own breakdowns from BPD. I’ve felt love in so many different ways so many different times from it. It’s extremely difficult finding that sweet spot with this balancing act of managing BPD but in those moments life is beautiful. For me the best way I can describe that feeling is through some of the scenery in Last of Us Part 2. There’s some absolutely breathtaking moments in that game. That’s what BPD is like. It’s a still moment of beauty knowing there could be an infected, scar, WLF, or anything disruptive around you at any second but you still stop to look. Because that’s what it’s really all about. Recovery with BPD is about learning how to stop seeing life as a series of snapshots that are a reason to live or a reason to die. It doesn’t have to be about idealization and devaluation of life is what I guess I’m trying to say.
The greatest part about Heart as Harry Houdini is that despite everything... Heart will
always find a way out and Heart will always keep trying.